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Celibacy does not guarantee a great relationship 2

Hi there. How are you doing today?

First things first, if you haven’t read part 1 yet, here is the link. Click below👇to read.

Have you ever been dickmatized? Come on, don’t be quiet on me right now. Have you?

Dickmatized is a term for when a lady is obsessed with a man’s you know, em. *coughs. A man’s joystick. You know what? scrap the coded convo. I promised to share my story raw and uncensored. Remember? OK let’s go again.

Dickmatized is a term for when a lady is obsessed with a man’s penis, because the sex is metaphysically soooo good, and she loses all sense of reasoning. #dickvibe

There are several signs that a sistah is dickmatized : she would risk her safety for the dick; if the dude calls her by 11:59pm, she wouldn’t mind crossing seven rivers and seven mountains to tap that. SMH.

However, the commonest sign, is that she’d sweep bad behaviour, abuse and all red flags under the carpet for the dick. Usually at this point, sistah is far in deep and would need an intervention.

There were moments that led to me swinging on the badge of celibacy. I got a YouTube recommendation for a channel. The thumbnail literally screamed SEX IS MAKING YOU DUMB!

It immediately grabbed my attention. And when I watched the video, I realized it was a singles summit, held by a church. Different people spoke, mostly about how sex before marriage was unacceptable before God and blah blah blah.

I’ve heard this before, that premarital sex was a rebellious act against God. But for some reason, when I ask why? the only reply is usually, because God said so. OK. I’m banging anyway, and heaven has not fallen.

To be honest, this video was different. Mostly because one of the speakers explained that sex outside of marriage was going to blind you from the other person’s real character, or make you ignore them because the sex is friggin, superlatively good. In other words, you risk being dickmatized. I didn’t want to be dumb for the dick. Plus em I kinda wanted to change my ways and bring glory to God.

My logic was simple : I’ve done relationship my way, and it went south. Let me do it God’s way and see. They say if you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result, that you are mad. Guys I’m not a mad person. Hence the different approach. You feel me?

Fast forward to when I met Kunle.

I met Kun ( when you become fond of a person, you give them a special name 😃) in the most ordinary Nigerian way ever— an ATM queue. He was in front of me. I was mostly interested in getting my cash and minding my own business. But this brother. Oh this brother kept stealing glances. Well, I pretended not to notice. I didn’t come to Lagos to count bridges and the number of men that gawk at me. Boy bye. 👋

After I had withdrawn cash, and headed for the bank gate, this brother came running after me, saying “excuse me ” rather loudly. (what a drama king)

I halted. He introduced himself, asked for my name, complimented me, and said something that really made me laugh. (the way to my heart most days is a good sense of humour. And this brother had it.)

Then ultimately, drum roll, he asked for my phone number. I hesitated. Mostly so he could show me how much he wanted it. ( you can’t blame a girl for wanting to be begged. *flips hair) After what seemed to be fifteen minutes later, I gave this brother my number.

He thanked me and offered to give me a ride to wherever it was I was going.

“Thanks Uber, but some of us girls have our own rides.”

I was surprised at myself for saying that . I guess I wanted to pull the I – am -an -independent – twenty first- century -grown -ass -woman card.

Super fast forward.

Me and Kun hit it off over the coming weeks: our whatsapp chat was like a good Netflix series. So good! We went on several dates. Had the most amazing conversations about anything; from corrupt political system to football, astronomy, food, trending topics on Tunde Ednut ‘s IG page, Lagos life and sex(that was how I learnt that he was also celibate). We talked without barriers. And well guys, no reasonable person would let all this connection go to waste. So we started dating,with no sex attached.

The first few weeks of dating was well the honeymoon phase: Kun could do no wrong in my eyes. As far as I knew, he was my sweet,considerate, soulful, funny, generous, kind, peaceful, calm, hard working, well groomed, cartoon loving and sexy chocolate man.

No sex was harrrrrd. There were horny days. Oooooooooooooooooohhh, but I got through them. I mean it’s OK to feel horny. It’s proof that I’m alive and have blood coursing through my entire body. But then I was happy that I wasn’t dickmatized. I could get to know my Kun for who he was, have clarity on his character and appreciate him appropriately.

Well. Good times are good. However, bad times are there to force out what’s really inside, and show who we truly are.

Me and Kun soon faced our bad times. And God ,it was baaaaaaaaaaaad.

See listen, I’m not trying to paint a brother black and mislead you to thinking that I’m one perfect eko chick. Nah. I’m flawed. Got it? OK.

Things got bad when I confronted Kun about a pattern I had observed. We would plan a weekend getaway, and on the set date, Kun would cancel. At first, I was the understanding girlfriend, who knew that life could get in the way of plans.

However, as time went on, this pattern manifested in different scenarios : Kun would call to say he was coming over to my place, and would request that I make him something to eat. I would. Gladly. But then, he wouldn’t show up. He wouldn’t call or text to explain why he didn’t show up. And the next time when we’d see, he’d simply carry on like nothing out of sorts happened. I was disturbed.

Another scenario was when Kun had called to check up on me. I told him I was doing OK, but needed to make a quick drive to the supermarket to buy vegetable oil and toiletries. He asked me not to, because he was going to make a stop at the supermarket, on his way back from work, and he’d come over to my place afterwards, we’d spend some time together, and then he’d drive back to his own place. He asked that I send him a list. Wow are my not so lucky?

I waited. 6pm. 7pm. 8pm. 9pm. No Kunle. So I called, to know if he was OK. Lagos traffic had a way of handicapping people. I wanted to know if traffic had delayed him or something. To my surprise, he sounded chill and not bothered. Did he have selective amnesia or something? By now , I was confused, so I asked him about the items he was supposed to get from the supermarket. He casually said ” Baby I didn’t feel like going again, so I went home. How’s my baby doing tonight? Have you had dinner babe? “

WHAT?!?!

I was furious. I’m not untrained, so I put the expression of my rage under lock and key. I hung up.

Do you see what’s going on here?

Kunle (who Kun help?) doesn’t follow through a commitment. He doesn’t also call to say he won’t, and he doesn’t apologize for not doing so either. I was dealing with a peacock. A man that was proud as hell.

So you see, I wasn’t the unforgiving, grudge keeping girlfriend. I was simply sick of a pattern,and chose to call it out. I brought it up to Kunle, on a Saturday afternoon, after we had devoured the fried rice and chicken I had prepared. I wanted my man to have energy for this type of conversation. What did this boo number two do?

He yelled. Yeah. He yelled. And spewed nonsense. That my problem was that I was a fault finder, and wouldn’t let things go. He even said I should go and pray to God to give me a forgiving heart. Then he stormed out of the house and drove off. Into oblivion I hope. 😠😬

You wouldn’t believe what happened next? I called to say I was sorry for being mean and hard on him. Hahahaahah. I even promised to be more forgiving.

Yeah. Toxic people would make you think there’s something wrong with saying you’re not okay with being mistreated. You start to doubt yourself, and maybe think you’re over thinking and over analyzing stuff.

Me and Kun got our groove back. And all. However, me on the other hand walked on egg shells. If he offended me, I’d tuck it away and make excuses for it. But you know what they say about holding stuff in, one day, you’d implode in the most insane way. And I did.

Kunle and I were watching a Netflix series and having a good time laughing, because the series was really funny. It was a cartoon. Em. Yes I remember. The Big mouth series. So funny. Our snacks finished, so I got up from the couch, to go get two packs of potato chips and red wine from the fridge. Unfortunately, as I got up to go, I slipped and fell. There was a small pool of water on the tiles, and it came from the soda we took out from the fridge earlier on. You know like when you get a bottle out from the fridge, as it adapts to room temperature, it leaves water behind. That’s what made me slip.

And what did Kunle do? He said, “You should have checked the tiles for water, and mop the floor dry. Be careful next time. “

What!??

No sorry? No Baby did you get hurt? Just a flaccid be careful next time. It’s thunder that will fire you Kunle. I charged angrily and told him all that I had been meaning to say for a long while.

Kunle you’re a peacock. You’re self absorbed and don’t give a hoot about me. You couldn’t ask me if I got hurt, and you’re here dishing a precaution for next time. This isn’t even the first time I’ve noticed this, but I didn’t bring it up, because I wanted to be understanding. You don’t follow through with commitments,you don’t agree you’re wrong , and when you offend, you don’t apologize. You’re too big for that. If this relationship matters to you, you would care, but apparently it doesn’t. And I’d make it quicker for the both of us. It’s over. I don’t want to have anything to do with you Kunle. Nothing!

The expression on his face said it all : He didn’t expect a Netflix and chill Saturday afternoon, to turn into a spontaneous breakup. With me yelling on top of my lungs.

The only thing he said was “OK if that’s what you want.” Then he tied his shoe laces, got up, grabbed his car keys from the brown coffee table in the living room, and left. And that was it. Chapter closed. Boy bye.

My take home from boo number two was this : Celibacy helped me get to know Kunle without the fog that sex brings. However, my choice to be celibate, was only a percent of what makes a relationship work. There were other important parts; value, love, mutual respect, loyalty, trust, forgiveness and so on. Both parties must be willing to make it work, before it would work. Effort shouldn’t be one sided.

Next time I wouldn’t be thrown off by celibate men, I’d watch and observe their character keenly. I am a baby girl for life and someone’s son can’t give me uneccesary stress. I want a great relationship, is that too much to ask for?

I’m currently taking a dating break and focusing on my spiritual life, mental health, career and overall well being. (I hate that I sound like how girls sound after a breakup. But it is, what it is guys)

I hope my next relationship would be great. Not perfect. Just great.

OK lovelies. Thanks for attending my Ted talk.

Big love from

Cindy.

Let’s talk, what was the reason for your last breakup? (scatter the comment section)

Share my story with your person ❤

About Venicia Iroakazi

Hi. I'm a Wordweaver and I truly enjoy making words come alive.

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16 comments

  1. Awesome…. I love it

  2. Adanna kelechi Akobundu

    The guy didn’t see it coming. Abusive people especially emotional abuse can be very subtle and cause you to lose your self esteem and self worth. It takes God’s grace and good people around you to get out of it early enough before too much damage is done.

  3. Adanna kelechi Akobundu

    Puleeeaassseee…baby geh cannot come and goan kill hersef for another person’s son

  4. I love the story; both parts actually. Great content

  5. Great story.. Nice. You captured a very important point that christian sisters need to know, you don’t only look out for a guy who wants to be celibate, there are a host of things that relationships should be about and the mere fact that the guy chooses to be celibate doesn’t mean that he is good enough for you.

  6. I’ve learnt new one “dickmatized” Hehehehehhehe l

    Lessons
    1. Dickmatization isn’t love and doesn’t guarantee a great relationship
    2. Celibacy isn’t love (the “I love you and that’s why I’m keeping myself for you” kind of people) and doesn’t guarantee a great relationship

    So what is love and what guarantee a great relationship?
    love is knowing you and accepting to be with all you imperfections and vice-versa with or without emotional pleasure (Dickmati****)

    Thank you Veni
    You Truely bring words to life.

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